Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
