at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
A bitchslap is in order.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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