I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
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you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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