Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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