we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...