Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
