the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
