I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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