I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
