my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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