Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
