She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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