I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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