i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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