i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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