Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
