When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
