Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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