TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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