just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
