Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You were trust falling into bushes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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