In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
