I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
