My underwear smells like fireworks.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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