I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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