I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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