If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I met the friendliest cop last night
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
