Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
