my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
