Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
