I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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