Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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