Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
