my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
