dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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