Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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