Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
