Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
