Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
