i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
