piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
