Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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