Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
