Dude my mom stole all your condoms
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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