I wish I could teleport
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
