oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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