Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
