i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think i got beer on your cat.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
