i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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