so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
