I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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