I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
