His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
