Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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