so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
