Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
