Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
