I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
