What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
