your parents love me but you hate me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
